My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
You Might Also Like
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Every. Damn. Time.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day