My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
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I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
How your email finds me
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
ever thought about centaurs and how the bottom half would start walking immediately after birth but the top part would be baby like and flop around for a while.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
There’s only one good girl here!
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist