Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons

PLOT TWIST:

My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”

🔦🌙👣

9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”

What month is it? Why is summer so long?

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

Stages of home cleanliness:

1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler

[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]

°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND

Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.

I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked

[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat

*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes

also my go-to takeaway order

When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇

Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?

Grow up

What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?

I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am

Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.

This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.

“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!

~ me, pleading with my hair

Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.