My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
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oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
FINE, I WON’T.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal