My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
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My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day