Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510

Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”

I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”

The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.

🙏🏾

Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.

If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭

Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.

My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby

We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.

I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it

Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff

The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero

It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.

[first date]

Her: I love big hearted people

Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy

So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…

The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?

At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.

Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?

Me: living

Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son

*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*

Well, there’s always next year

*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME

on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h