Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

Suez Canal: what the hell?

container ship: PARKOUR!

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all

Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep

Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.

“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?

Husband; Who was at the door?

Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.

Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?

Me:

Husband:

Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.

[aquarium]

*penguin strapped on my back*

Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?

No, it’s just a backpack.

Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!

um, fish

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

lol sometimes I-

[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”

never deleting this app.

A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.

I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.

If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.

TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese

ME: Treese

HER: I hate you

what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese

Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl

Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.

Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.

50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.

If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.

[months ago]

Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.

Genie: And now we wait.

My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.

Me: No.

My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.

We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.