My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
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Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Just had my nails done!
Big Sex has us all fooled
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do