My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
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After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
the chicken was already gone when I got here
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.