My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
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Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up