My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
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Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
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And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
I have a type: disappointing
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
My husband ate the last chicken nugget so I’m single now.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.