My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
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[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
tell em, edith-anne
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Donkey Kong sommelier
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
here we go again
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Have a lovely day 😊
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do