My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
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“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”
I don’t think you will….
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
BRAKING NEWS!!
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
You ever been to r/foodsafety? It’s literally just a hypochondriac circlejerk. Posts like “this chicken has been in a serving tray for 2 hours what do I do?” “Throw it out, it will kill your whole family!”
You learn something every day
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
my dad has had enough
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.