My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
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One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task