My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
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my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
But I really needed water water water
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.