My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
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A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*