My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
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I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels