My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
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[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on