My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
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I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen