My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
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[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
I already tried new things thanks.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
The glockness monster
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.