My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
You Might Also Like
do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
My doctor sucks. Didn’t even kiss it better.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Good morning.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face