My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
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Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
this is a sign that you need a union
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.