My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
You Might Also Like
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen