My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
wut hotdog?
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
