My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
