My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
