My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
i actually laughed 😩
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
damn he’s good
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
