My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
