6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
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If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang