My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
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A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
who’s gonna tell her?
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped