My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
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“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Tuesday
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October