My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
You Might Also Like
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car