My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
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If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
