My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Thaw me like one of your french fries
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
