My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
October already? What’s next? November????
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
