My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
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GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.