My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
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you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
A wise man once said nothing.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet