My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
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wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
My sex drive has a dui
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.