My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
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If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP