My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
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“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.
Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.