Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*

her: don’t bite my lip

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.

KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer

Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.

My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.

Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?

20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.

30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.

40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.

i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft

If you love someone, set them free.

When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.

You: Wow, check out that cool dog

Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area

ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview

THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

i was dropped as an adult

White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]

Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler

Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.

*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business

Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.

i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”

If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”

*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*

My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.

My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.

I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.

I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches

Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.

My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk