My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
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I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
I bet
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
if he doesn’t like your fruit puns you need to let that mango
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”