My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
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NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Me: The doctor said that because of the anesthesia, I should just lay around all day reading and watching Saved by the Bell
TwinzerMom: Wasn’t it just a local anesthetic?
Me: I mean, I’m not the one with the medical degree, so who am I to question?
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?