Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

My ideal weight is five million dollars

It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

A Short Story.

Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.

Him: I don’t know how to do that.

Me puzzled: when did you get here?

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.

There’s always that one guy

*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears

‘Sup.

I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.

I hear you like horror movies

You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off

*winks forever*

weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals

“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season

I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.

a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.

OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?

WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills

OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died

WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same

my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played

you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no

I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue

Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”

wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker

If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.

When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”

If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people

Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.

This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.

Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.