Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”

Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.

Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

Twitter is like a mental hospital where everyone thinks they are the only sane person and everyone else is crazy.

Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred

*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?

we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us

[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.

Them: Why?

Me: My car is haunted.

Them: Haunted?

Me: So haunted.

what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles

[creating the armadillo]

GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very

I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…

[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]

“Who are you eating?”

Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…

Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.

normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”

I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?

I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

Pikachu found the lost joint

I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter

I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.

I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.

My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?