My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
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“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Thanks to a fan for this one!
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
me when i smell free food in the break room
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb