My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
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If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Our lord and savoury.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.