My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
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I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10
