My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
bought wrong eggs
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Covert ops
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
@funTweeters
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
