Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

debt collector: your bill is outstanding

duck: thank you

Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.

I like to take long walks away from stupid people

Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license

The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.

If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.

If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.

MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!

[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool

I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”

It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.

*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN

My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.

I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.

They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.

hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack

On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.

cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town

me: but if you were, what bus would you take

my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy

I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs

BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!

Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?

I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…

Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.

If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.