My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
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One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser