My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
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Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
ibopfufen
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.