My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
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If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.