Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wish the trash would take me out for once.

hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan

If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.

My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.

Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….

Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.

99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.

I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.

Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better

ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all

The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua

Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.

Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.

Her: Did you just ask that woman out?

Me: Yes…

Her: And? What’d she say?

Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”

Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy

I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.

[looking for our lost son in the mall]

ME: we should split up and find him

WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*

Bike for sale

[Me as 911 Operator]

*phone rings*

I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”

Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?

Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?

I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.

I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it

I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum

Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.

You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.

I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.

Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.

Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.

You can stop sacrificing goats now.

[restaurant]

DATE: [clears throat]

ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?

‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.