My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
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The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Shortcut
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past