My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
You Might Also Like
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
that would 100% work on me
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?