My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
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This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
me: *starts the washer*
me, two minutes later: what’s that noise
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.