Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3: mommy, you’re the best

me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!

3: me too

Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes

If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily

Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.

On Facebook:

Them: Look! We’re at the beach!

Me: Look! I’m in your house!

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.

[date night]

*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*

Let’s do this.

Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.

wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep

IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR

A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.

A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.

It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.

I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?

Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?

Me: Let me ask my mom

Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!

Me: She said no

Software Development ⛵️

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.

Customer: do you sell {item}?

Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in

Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.

Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!

The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!

If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.

Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.

*Victorian letters to Santa*

My dearest Santa,

I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.

*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*

I would like an orange.

Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.