My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
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I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?