My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
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Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Dear Aliens,
Now would be a good time.
Thanks!
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol