Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.

I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.

Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?

Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot

EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon

Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself

commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart

Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.

Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan

You can’t rush stupid.

[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!

My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.

We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over. 

But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.

They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.

ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..

When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America

the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*

Wife – “….””

Things my dating coach and I are working on:

– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot

What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”

Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…

They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people

Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat

I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.