Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.

I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.

I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends

*hires sky writer*

I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.

Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.

Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.

I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.

Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.

If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.

I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁

Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.

[in hell]

me: *sad* why am I here?

satan: you’re a murderer

me: what? no I’m not

satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl

me: *blushing* aww

[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop

Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.

Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”

I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.

Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.

If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.

[Therapy]

Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?

Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.

Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.

wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!

– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring

me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice

Smile they said.

[planning heist]

leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?

me: that’s when I take my break too tho

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face

What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?

I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.

So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.

What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.