My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
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when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once