Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.

Vegetarian? Sea kelp.

Cannibal? Seek help.

I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”

Her oldest child is 38. 🤣

I’m as full as a tick on a tampon

Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*

Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?

Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.

Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die

[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”

Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend

James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond

GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing

ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me

GUY: DAMMIT

Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.

Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.

Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”

Hear me out: WrestleVania

Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.

My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.

Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.

ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.

5: *comes in room* hey old lady

Me: *looks around*

5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady

Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*

Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me

If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”

Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.

What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.

pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto

I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.