My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
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(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Ladies, why y’all do this?
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.