My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
You Might Also Like
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
hate when people ask “why is it called silence of the lambs?” like did you hear any fucking lambs during the movie ??? use your head
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
At least try to make it slightly believable
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
what the
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend
Me: That tail tho
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only