Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i want a girlfriend so badly

them: u have to start going on dates

me: seems excessive

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.

I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.

just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏

Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.

Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…

me: i don’t like talking about myself

random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’

me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old

Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”

*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*

Do men still open car doors?

That 👊

i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did

[mall food court]

Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole

I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean

I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about

I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.

I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”

A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”

I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”

if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.

ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years

i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue

“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.

I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…

Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!

And I think this is my villain origin story.

Are you tired of having a great friendship?

Ruin it with Sex™

If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.

Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.