My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
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Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?