My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
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My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
This is my cat’s medicine.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
I am having an out of money experience.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…