My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
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A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Netflix and awkward silence?
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.