Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian

*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*

“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”

After 35, your body ages in dog years

The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea

“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion

Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.

Wife: Did you hear what I said?

Me: No, I was in a different room.

Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?

Me: …

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.

When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.

Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”

They didn’t like me very much.

As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.

If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.

Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired

[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *

I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”

FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…

count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video

I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.

I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug

Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something

(Entering heaven)

Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?

Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?

Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.

#notsorry

Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.

4yo: Bam!

Me: Excuse me?!

7yo: He didn’t say dammit!

2yo: Dammit?

Me: 🤦‍♀️

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot

Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”

It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.