My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
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[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
I hate celery. 🤮🥴
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
i hate you platonically
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
That’s a good costume, I hope.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..