My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
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So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
My sex drive has a dui
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*
8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*