My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
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If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
The woke left? Without saying goodbye?
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone