My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
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My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
From my Mom
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation