Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it

We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast

[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]

Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you

Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.

I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”

Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.

Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts

Boss: you’re late

Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court

Boss: I hate you

all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person

When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.

5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you

me: excuse me what

5yo: I can smell more things

7yo: ohh with his nose

5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old

me: wow

yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor

Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”

detective: can you describe the crime scene?

me: which one i seen lots of crimes.

My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.

Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”

It was a broom! 😂🤣

in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.

Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.

Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.

Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty

Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!

(Line goes dead)

If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.

You look like you would fail a DNA test

I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.

I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER

I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself

The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

Me: Do you have homework?

11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?

[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN