My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
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If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
