Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: describe your average night

me: they wear suits of armor

doctor: no I mean at bedtime

me: they probably take it off

Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.

Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.

Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.

My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂

Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh

Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.

Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.

But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.

Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.

[archaeological dig]

ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here

ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?

My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.

– My neighbor

Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud

barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie

me: thank you for the word ‘just’

Me: I won’t let anything control me!

My bladder: Lmao

Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation

Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book

Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree

Me: Waldo you rascal!

We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move

My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.

I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels

You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.

“HELP WITH CAT”

I’m that bored in the house 🥺

#lockdownextension

If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code

ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus

Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”

Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.

Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.

Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.

“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk