Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes

me: what’s in them?

george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.

MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on

ME: *visibly ages*

Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.

[arriving in hell]

him: so what did you do?

me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea

I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.

Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”

A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.

My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.

definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life

12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.

Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.

12yo: Kids do that?

Me:

12yo:

Me: No.

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.

Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.

It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.

not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan

Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.

Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me

Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?

W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?

Me: *laughing* Yep

W: OMG noooo

Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?

Me: It’s a fake.

Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?

Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…

Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]

I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation

On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…

A cold that will last all week

When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.

*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.