Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things will get butter, keep churning

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them

I am HOWLING at this

Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification

Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?

Bill collector: Um.

Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine

I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”

[limbo contest]

Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.

Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair

Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred

Me: I forbid you to go!

Her: What was that?

Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”

90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.

My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?

Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.

When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it

Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime

don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather

Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.

Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am

Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.

The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.

Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?

Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.