Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.

I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.

“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.

I feel seen.

Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!

Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)

Hubs: Never mind

Me: Smart move

Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.

I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.

Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth

If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted

Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125

Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.

Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.

[date]

ME: Tell me about yourself

HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire

ME: That’s weird

HER: What is?

ME: Being afraid of stairs

Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.

The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)

pls suprot

Overheard

Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.

My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.

LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.

DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?

Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”

my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*

I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.

Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.

Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit

gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want