Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PSYCHIC: I can see your future

ME: Are you really a medium?

PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*

ME: Medium. Son of a gun…

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)

6yo student: My grandma has that dress.

i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day

6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?

Me: Only if you want food and shelter.

6: *carefully considers her options*

sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon

“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance

On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…

A cold that will last all week

[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor

That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision

-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance

Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.

My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!

My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!

stand with me against insufficient seating

Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?

😭😭😭

perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors

Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.

A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one

Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.

We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.

you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house

12. I think about this all the damn time

[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already

I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.

if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost

I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”

Me: “Sure I don’t.”

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.

15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.

Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!

15: Uhhh…what?

Me: Never mind.