Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares.

It’s nice to have some company

Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.

Me : Flow away, I’m busy.

[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first

[Lou Bega voice]

One, two, three four

[Proclaimers voice]

five hundred miles

Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.

I already tried new things thanks.

My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]

IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER

11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?

Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.

studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics

Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.

GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!

HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first

ME: You’re not really my type though

mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will

[DOG COP TV DRAMA]

DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!

SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.

*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops

(me as a paramedic)

*rubbing two cymbals together*

Clear!

*slams cymbals together*

WAKE UP!

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??

Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own

Developer: We have a problem.

Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.

Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.

Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?

police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor

Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones

Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?

Me: no, the bones in my mouth

Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones

The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.

The system crashes on its own.

The human race is saved by shitty programming.

I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?

I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation

I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes

Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.

Me: Hi guys!

Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!

sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress